Tupperware Warning

Life Lesson 3781

Never pick a fight with the tupperware in your tupperware cupboard.

Nothing good can ever come from it.

Instead why not install huge glass shelves right across your kitchen on which to display your collection in all their glory? It will look so lovely you'll soon even forget your family are in the room. However, you'll also have a scary look on your face forever as you gingerly watch that stack of tubs daring them to fall (which they will, it's what tupperware does best), whilst wishing you'd not agreed to have your right arm surgically replaced with two giant white plastic containers when that tupperware party got a little bit crazy last Tuesday - no matter how handy they are for leftovers and no matter how 'stay fresh' you elbow now is. Deal with it. With tupperware, you will always lose.

Beyonce's Single Ladies World Tour

So the insanity continues.

Little did we know when we donned our leotards for our Beyonce tribute video back in February that it'd still be showing its ugly head (and lets face it, showing an awful lot more too) six months later.

Last week I got e-mails from quite a few listeners giving me the news: our video was being featured in Beyonce's world tour.

WORLD TOUR.

Our video. On her world tour. That's at least 22 European dates (with more just booked for November!) along with a cross States visit next month. Each concert has about 20,000 spectators. 20,000 pairs of eyes who stare up at the biggest screen you've ever seen as a montage of Single Ladies tribute videos begins. And about 40 seconds through they will see... us.

Myself, Chris and Dawn in our studio (the Hertbeat logo has never been seen by so many people!) and then posing in our leotards.

So it's official. Our's is the only breakfast show in the world hosted by Beyonce's backing dancers. We are on a World Tour. You hear our voices. On a World Tour!

Don't believe me? Here's some evidence. Sadly you don't see that part in the video where we're punching down or for that matter the bit where I crouch down staring at the camera and it looks like I've done a little poo on the floor - but then there's probably health and safety aspects to inflicting that on too many people.

How did this happen? Well, we did submit it to a Beyonce competition for tribute videos so it's not great surprise as such. But the really incredible thing here is: our jiffy bag was opened in an office on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood. Someone took our DVD out of the packet and put it in to their PC. They watched it. They called someone else over, they watched it. They ticked a sheet. More people watched it. Ultimately even Beyonce watched it. Now... hundreds of thousands if not millions of people will see it. I like to think it's like a diplomatic dancing mission. Our posing in leotards is bringing all of these nations together. I wouldn't be surprised if this time next year we've won the Nobel Peace Prize. Nothing surprises me anymore.

Loving the Library - Loving this Book

I love the library.

I'd love to say it's because it's an almost communist vision of a literary utopia; a place where we can all go as one to harvest the fruits that others have grown; a land where we are all in harmony united by information in a hushed reverance to words.

But I've got a feeling it's just because they give me stuff for free.

Really though, why buy a book when you can get them for free?!

And nowadays they have free wireless (free!), magazines, DVDs, CDs... The only thing that niggles slightly is that they always have that little bet with you as to how good a reader you are.

You know what I mean: they look at you, get the measure of your mind and then stamp the book with a date as if to say 'go on then, bet you can't read this by then...' That smug little flourish of the wrist as they thrust down the date and the gauntlet. And you know what..? For the first time in years I finally beat them at their game. Beat them by a full whole week!

The book in question was recommended to me by friends so I shall in turn suggest it to you in our own little Book Club. It's your turn to bring the biscuits by the way, did nobody tell you?!

It's Stieg Larsson's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and it's brilliant. Okay, it's an intelligent but fairly graphic thriller shall we say, so it's not for the Mr Men reading fans, but it's just so un-put-downable: one of those rare moments when any free moment of the day you find yourself picking it up and jumping right back in to its world to find out what happens. And the best bit? (Other than that I got it for free?) It's the first book in a trilogy. So hopefully there's two more to enjoy!

It turns out the Swedish author wrote his 3 books, handed them in and then not long after died... So he had no idea how popular his novels have become, which is sad. Also, my letter I sent to him bragging about finishing his book in just 2 weeks, a full week less than the Hertfordshire Library Service predicted, will go unread. If you want to find out more, google him. Even better to do it at the library. It's free!

Gay Fishermen

On my way home I found myself stuck behind a white van.

It was one of those ones that's so in need of a wash that someone's written something amusing in it.

Except it wasn't anything amusing. It wasn't about wishing any female relation or acquaintance was as dirty as said vehicle but rather it had just two words:

GAY FISHERMEN

Yeah. What?! Why would you write that? It was an EDF van, so it's unlikely that as well as fixing people's meters the driver and his faux fisherman's friend liked to don leather waders and catch a cod.

Why would you write that on someone's van?

I came home and googled it. A bit dangerous I know, but there's not many gay fishermen it turns out (God, I hope my wife doesn't check out internet history)... One site for Gay Fly Fishermen was set up last year and they were hoping to arrange an outing (so to speak) for a group of men but it looks like perhaps it didn't go down too well (so to spea.. yeah, sorry). I felt quite sad for that Gay Fisherman, he'd never even posted on his blog. He had a lovely logo and everything. Type Gay Fisermen into Amazon and there was nothing although in 1971 a band called the Liverpool Fishermen did release an album called Swallow The Anchor - on which subject my mouth remains closed. In every way. Also (what?! don't judge me) I did find an American couple called Mr & Mrs Gay who do indeed like to indulge in sea fishing but it seems unlikely they decided to scrawl on a van on the A120.

So, I'm still none the wiser. But it did make me realise that being a gay fisherman could probably be a lonely existence and maybe one had tried to advertise on the back of this van but that it pulled away before he/she could finish their plug. It reminded me of a song by Corky & The Juice Pigs called The Only Gay Eskimo, who let's face it do fish. So, here's someone's interpretation of that video. Trust me it's safer than the other youtube effort claiming to be a gay fisherman: that really didn't look like fish he was reeling in and frankly he's more likely to catch something else with that kind of behaviour. Anyway...

La ragazza è nella scatola

Ciao!

I've got my Italian lesson at the local college in an hour.

It's my second term and I'm struggling. I decided to learn because when we got married in Tuscany last year: it was beautiful but I didn't even know how to say 'Yes, I do' in Italian. So, I've decided for our next trip there I'd like to be able to chat to the locals, rather than be rude. And maybe get an extra towel.. rather than use the bed sheet. There's another story. 

I was really good at languages at school but it just doesn't seem to go in nowadays. After 12 weeks there are just two phrases I confidently know from my Italian language night classes:

1) Io non sono Italiano
(I am not Italian.. just in case you needed further confirmation other than the fact I can't speak Italian)

2) La ragazza è nella scattola
(The girl is in the box)

I'm a bit concerned about that last one. What kind of people put this course together? Still, if I one day happen to be in Rome and find a girl trapped in a box, they will be vindicated. As I explain to the police that, yes, she's in there, but no, I'm not Italian - suggesting I would have thought that the UK consulate and a good lawyer wouldn't go a miss, my £10 a week will seem worth while.

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Steve is available as a tranlastor at a reasonable fee should you find yourself in Napoli with a young female within a cardboard container