Weird News from the Week...

Penis Enlarger Doesn't Work

Over in Canada a man is demanding compensation for a penis enlarger he bought that he claims didn’t work. Despite 500 hours of use.

I know, 500 hours!! He’d better hope there’s not just a delayed effect on it and he starts punching holes in cars whilst trying to cross the road.

So rather brilliantly he’s taking it to a small-claims court.

The X4 Extender Deluxe Edition cost him $262. I’m presuming that’s new. I’m guessing this isn’t the sort of thing you buy second hand on eBay. No matter the star rating of the member.

And he spent 500 hours. God bless his optimism in the product. 262 dollars for all that wasted time pumping away, no wonder it’s a sore point.

And good for him speaking out. Who knows (not I, he adds quickly), but maybe these things never work, maybe it's a scam that relies on the fact people would always be too embarrassed to complain. Or too exhausted.

I don’t know though, how do you prove it didn’t work unless you have before and after evidence? I’m just saying.. He’s going to have a hard job making it stand up in front of a judge.

The Rogue Nose Hair

I have a rogue nose hair.

I blew my nose on Monday and there it was: this long dark nasal hair dangling a centimetre down from my right nostril. Thick and black and menacing.

I gasped and quickly reached for the little scissors required for such extraction.

When I looked up... it had gone. Vanished.

I investigated with a good old rummage but to my horror it had disappeared. AWOL.

The awful thing is, this hair now had a grip over me. What did it want? It was threatening to bungee bogey at anytime in public.

Then two days later.. IT WAS BACK! Like a rhinoRapunzel had let down her hair in a nightmare hairytale.

Again I reached for my weapon. This time I only took my eyes of it for a second but as I refocused on the enemy it had retreated once more, lurking in its cave. I half expected to receive a video taped message from it listing its demands.

So that's where I'm at. A rogue hair. Where does it go? What's it doing? Is there an imp in my brain using hair as a fishing rod? Lowering it occasionally looking for food?

Where are you? It's like a modern day metrosexual version of Jaws. This monster in the deep occasionally surfacing to scare all on the outside before retreating, relishing the hunt.

I need to channel Roy Scheider.  I'm going back to the bathroom now and I'm not coming out without my trophy. "Come on!", I'll scream, "I've got something for ya' now! That's it! Attaboy, come on! Right over here! OPEN WIDE! SAY AAH!"

Beat the VAT Increase!

Don’t know if you’ve heard but VAT has gone up to 20%.

It’s not been mentioned much.

“BEAT THE VAT INCREASE!” all the adverts screamed after Christmas, like it was a ferocious financial monster speeding towards us from over the horizon as we ran from it clutching our wide screen TVs, beds, kitchen appliances and sofas.

Chancellor George Osborne, says he knows it’s tough. Stopping off to speak to the press as he returned from his skiiing holiday he said “VAT is a powerful weapon”. Really? Those Taliban must be terrified hearing us Brits now have 2 and half per cent more of it! “NO!! Not VAT?!! How will we ever beat the infidel now?” "Quick! See if we can get some black market Inheritance Tax.."

The thing is though some things don’t have VAT charged on them. Namely, books and babies clothes. So I’m going to beat the VAT increase by snapping up a load of half price baby grows in ASDA and stitching them together to make a suit to go with my encyclopaedia hat. Actually food doesn’t have VAT charged on it either - so maybe we should all start wearing Lady GaGa meat dresses! With everything so expensive it's not like we'll ever be able to go out and be seen in public anyway.

Post Christmas though, my trousers are so tight - I’m more worried about the FAT increase!

(Thankyouladiesandgentleman I'm here all week. No really, I can't afford to fill my car.)

Garden Birds

I've become obsessed with the birds in our garden this winter.

With the death of our cat last year, the wild birds of Hertfordshire soon came to dance on his grave. They thrilled in his wake at fed at his wake.  They had very little shame, though to be fair he'd not tried his best to befriend them.

Anyway, the bird feeder has always been there but this year they can't get enough. Maybe it's said cat's departure, maybe it's been all the snow and ice but our garden is full of wild birds tucking in to the All-You-Can-Peck Folland Buffet.

They've become like kids to me though. I worry about them far too much. The other day we ran out of milk for our real human son.. and yet I realised whilst shopping I'd picked up an extra bag of bird seed! Still, our boy has adapted remarkably well to feeding from a coconut filled with lard.

I watch as one after another they flit in and out constantly grazing (whilst they watched me no doubt over Christmas, constantly flitting in and out of the kitchen constantly grazing - picking at Quality Street, sausage rolls, shortbread and cocktail sausages, stocking up for the winter..)

Apparently they need all this food as garden birds in cold weather lose 5% of the body weight whilst asleep. I could really do with evolving in the same direction.

Expect a weight loss DVD from a couple of Blue Tits next Christmas.

I like to sound knowledgable to my wife and son as the birds come in and out of the yard. She's Australian so doesn't know English birds so well and he's 14 months old so the only garden he's great with contains Igglepiggle. So I find myself saying 'ooh hear comes a sparrow... robin.. blue tit.. great tit.. thrush.. starling.. (I start to clutch at straws after this..).. erm.. Goldfinch... Chaffinch.. (looking around the kitchen for inspiration).. Kettlefinch.. ToastTit... (she seems unsure).. Lesser Spotted Toe Curler.. Hedge dwelling Fridgemagnetishaw.. Quality Street.. ooh Quality Street, I'll just have one of those...

A New Year

So... 2011

Which happens to be the fast train from Bishops Stortford to Liverpool Street.

A quiet New Years Eve, but nice to be up in the early hours of the morning by choice and not because a screaming child has declared it to be so.

Staying up long enough to see a generation of student's university fees be spent in 10 minutes of London Eye fireworks.

A good evening of demolishing Quality Street and playing cards with my beautiful wife. Who kicked my arse. As usual.

She even asked me 'Do you deliberately lose to keep me happy?' I'm honoured she'd think I'd do such a thing. Alas no.

So, what will 2011 hold? Will it be the year TV executives realise it's possible to make a light entertainment show without using the voice over guy from the X Factor. We can but dream.

New Year's resolution? I'll deal for beating my wife at cards.